Monday, December 16, 2013

December 16th...

Otherwise known as my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I asked Amber if she could come watch the girls today so that I could get a few errands ran to get ready to head home for Christmas.  I had a busy, but somewhat relaxing, day planned (i.e., leisurely lunch by myself, coffee in between errands, maybe even a pedicure).

Punch in the Stomach #1:
About 30 minutes into the day, my phone rang and it was Evelyn's endocrinologist.  She told me that Evelyn failed her GH stimulation test.  She didn't give much more information than that because we had a follow-up appointment scheduled with her on Wednesday.

I was a little bit in shock.  I truly believed (and still do) that God was (is) going to heal Evelyn, and in my little mind, I figured this would be how God would tell us she's fine - showing us that she is healed.  I hadn't prepared myself at all to hear that she failed the test.

I honestly don't remember much of the rest of the day - I know that I got all of my errands done, but it's all kind of a blur.  I do, however, remember getting the mail that day... 

Punch in the Stomach #2:
As soon as I saw the "University of Missouri" logo on the envelope, I knew it was one I didn't want to be getting.  In Higher Education, if you are getting a job offer - you are getting a phone call.  An envelope means rejection.  In graduate school, we had a "Wall of Rejection" where we put up all of the letters we got where manuscripts were rejected, or where we were rejected for jobs.  I need to start that wall here.  At least we finally know what we are doing.  I think when I didn't hear anything as quickly as they said I would, a part of me knew this would be the outcome. 

I don't know why....I can drive myself crazy trying to figure it out.  I don't know if the search committee chair was trumped by the committee or a department chair/dean.  I don't know if they didn't believe me when I said I was willing to leave a tenure-track job for a non-tenure track one.  I do know that from what I understood of the position, I fit it perfectly.  Maybe they already had someone internally who they planned to hire all along. can drive yourself crazy.  What I have to remember is that God is still on the throne.  I expected to be closing on our new house today, not getting a letter in the mail indicating we'd be in Texas (aka, the wilderness) for the foreseeable future.

So it was a hard day.  I'm emotionally drained.  My flesh wants to understand why.  But I know that if this is a "no" - that God has something else planned for us.  He promises to give us hope and a future....but I need to remember that is HIS future for me, not the future my small mind can dream up.

We appreciate your prayers - for healing for Evelyn especially!!  2013 is not ending even closely to how we expected...trying to trust.

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